Brandon Jessop

THIS IS HOW i ROLL

5i50 N’awlins? Okay. I’ll do a few things different next time. Thanks for asking; but if your looking for a race report on the inaugural 5i50 New Orleans race, you’ll have to find it somewhere else. Sorry, because this is how I roll…

I don’t know how other athletes roll on their travels, but I know it can’t be as “low budge” as my epic excursions. -Let’s not compare, but if you want a challenge, here it is. I’m up for another win. Now this isn’t a pity party of any sort, I’m content with my economic status, nor is this a chance to discredit those who travel like Donald Trump. C.R.E.A.M. -Right? This is just an attempt to inform the public. People are usually taken back when I tell them that I sleep in my car the night before a BIG race. Whatever, no big deal. Sometimes, I even get choice parking at race venues. And we all know that’s a huge PLUS at 4:40 in the morning. Though, the Honda-tel doesn’t give wake-up calls. Then I tell them I’ve been carb loading on pb&js (peanut butter and jelly, not pear, brie and jambon) for the last two days. Got to cut corners somehow. On the pocket book that is, not on the course, that’s wrong, or off one of those pb&js, that’s just wasteful. Mom raised me better than that. But, literally can’t afford it. Then I tell them that I just shower at the local gym where I have a membership. “What if there’s not a gym close?” Glad you asked, you’ll be sorry that you did. A bar of soap and a 32oz cup of water will do the job. -What? It’s very green. Only 32oz of water! Just have to be discrete where the shower takes place. Seriously. Do you have a mental image? Sorry about that.

So the 1993 Honda Accord LX decided to give up the ghost on me in Lawrence, Kansas. 314,000+ miles. Not on my watch! On Monday, May 16th, between Kansas City and Lawrence the battery light began to come and go. Perfect! On the turnpike, none the less. Lawrence was the next available exit. I stopped at the first auto parts store and asked if they would preform a battery diagnostic on my vehicle. Nice thing is that I’m in the Midwest. People in these parts are the most genuine, honest and trustworthy people. Chris determined it was the alternator. $120.00 and 2.5 hours later… SHE’S ALIVE! If you’ve never changed the alternator in your vehicle, just do it the way I did: 1.Pop the hood. 2.Look for something like what Chris just sold you. 3.Start loosening nuts and bolts that are attached to that thing. 4.Replace. 5.Shut the hood. 6.Pray that GOD will help you reach your destination. -Simple. Refer to photo below. *Warning! Brandon is NOT an auto mechanic. For correct installation of an alternator on your vehicle, please read your owner’s manual. Or, if you have a credit card that won’t be declined at $300.00+, drive to closest dealership and tell them you know nothing about cars and that you’re traveling. Good luck with that. So, I arrived in Denver at 3:00 Tuesday morning. If you knew my lack of auto mechanic skills, you’d be going to church next Sunday.

Triathlon is a rich man’s sport. I was told that an Ironman athlete’s AVERAGE annual income is $180,000. Joke’s on you. If you only knew how far I bring that average down, you would laugh… then you would probably cry. I’ve robbed Peter AND Paul just to compete in this sport, and trust me, I’ll pay for it later. Aside from selling my soul to the Devil himself, I’ve done all I could do financially to compete in the sport of triathlon. I might sell my soul to the Devil, but I’d view that as cheating. He might give me a good deal considering I robbed Peter AND Paul. It wouldn’t be right, though. Unfair to the athletes who have worked so hard for so many years. -Do you want to know something? I have the MOST expensive bike in transition. TRUE STORY. “Brandon, your bike is about $10,000.00. I see several bikes about that.” -Sure. Most of those richies wrote a check for their bikes. But, do you know what the interest is on ten thousand dollars on a premium credit card? Well, I do. No, really, I know. Not because I can do math, but because I see the number every month on our statement. I figure my bike is in the neighborhood of 13-15. -Sad. -Sad. -Sad. The ironic thing is, if I could pedal that bike just a little faster I might be getting my next bike for “free.” Weird how that works.

The icing on the cake is that after the 5i50 New Orleans I made a phone call to my moms. It went kind of like this: “Hi mom. I’m safe. (Pray for those in danger of the flooding of the Mississippi.) I qualified for my Professional IRONMAN Membership ($787.50). I need some money…?”

-Thank you, mom.